i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
