My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
so much tequila, so little girl.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
