His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
