my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
