Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
