In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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