While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
