chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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