whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
