You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
