he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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