i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
