the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
