I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
