there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she peed on how many people?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
