Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
