He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
