You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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