I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
