I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
