Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
