20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
