i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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