My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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