listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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