i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
