I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
