We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
