what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
