I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
