I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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