today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
