I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
