I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
