After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
