super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
