She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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