I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
