I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
