Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
