this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
