I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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