wanna go halves on a baby?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
