i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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