why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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