I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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