quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
