I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
