ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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