So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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