How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
