If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
